One unique things about spending a lot of time with any child that is different from yourself is learning their preferences on things. Song preferences is a very unique personality trait of each of us--me included. Those close to me know my love of Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band along with my capacity to sing each word to Whoomp There It Is by Tag Team.
When we've had foster children of all ages---we haven't altered our musical preferences but have gotten to know theirs. Adam (our 16-year old) introduced me to Macklemore, for example. We laughed hysterically together at my ability to sing words to Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. Music is an insight into our souls. If you're wondering what my ability to sing and appreciate The Boss, Tag Team, and Katy Perry says about my soul? I'm still trying to figure this out myself. If you have an answer, please leave it in the comment section. In all seriousness, though, shortly after our miscarriage, Tenth Avenue North (a Christian band) released, "I Have This Hope". Brittney discovered it and made sure I heard it. Its message is powerful--one of not knowing the future but working to not be afraid--and that in the depth or fire--I have this hope that God has the situation in control. It became our theme-song in our trying time and both teared up almost every time it was played. As we learned Ezekiel's (5-year old) song preferences--he made reference that his parents listened to Top 40 type of songs--not Christian music. I'm not sure when Ezekiel heard the song with us for the first time. I'm not even sure if it was the first or fifth time he heard "I Have This Hope" and something that I believe only God's presence could be in began happening. When he would get into the car, he requested to hear his "favorite" song--I Have This Hope. He's now requested/made us play it probably 40 times--or more. Like all of us, our preferences change as we hear the same song over and over. I've convinced Ezekiel to like a Springsteen song due to the drums (success!). In late March--as the case began progressing--he developed a new "favorite" song: Mandisa's, "We All Bleed The Same" He requests it. Belts It. Only allows me to sing the "boy" parts while Brittney sings the "girl" parts when we are all in the car together. If you don't know the song--I encourage you to listen. It speaks to our emotions so much throughout this process. Forgiveness, carrying one another, fighting for each other, that we are all human together--and bleed the same. Talk about a powerful message. The song ends in an inspiring and challenging prayer. Thanks, kid, for the dose of "humble pie" when I have the thoughts of how I want you to live with me forever. The honest truth is that these are the only two songs--in our year with him--that he's called or referenced to be his "favorite." He's had lots of other "favorites" --- as all children do-- but only 2 favorite songs in a year. Music. It is an incredible thing, and I'm convinced God has been speaking to us through music and Ezekiel. (A short post-script): As I had this draft written-the kids came home from a visit. We played outside for a few minutes and "We All Bleed The Same" was playing on our Amazon Echo. He proceeded to sing the rest of the song and said, "This is my favorite." Checking in with an update on the kids: we are all feeling it--emotionally. Ezekiel received two "yellow" lights at school for the first time. Previously, he'd only received one (maybe two?) yellow lights the whole school year. We want to show love, compassion, and consequences that he knows (no technology) from the choices he made. He's dealing with so much. He will be officially told on Tuesday (next week) that these increased visits have resulted in meaning he will be going home with his mom and dad on Tuesday. How is this done? Through their family therapy sessions, Jackie and Grant created a picture book with words that they will read together as a family. We've seen it and it is good and age appropriate. From my perspective, I recognize the insane schedules that are ahead of us in the next several weeks. I'll just be straight: balancing work craziness (big work-related events for both Brittney and I between now and June), family visits with the kids' parents, a seminary class, and home-life responsibilities (hello---it's spring--which means the grass needs mowed every week!), life is just going to be crazy. I'm okay today--but feel the stress of so much to do and not enough hours in a day to do everything that needs done to be adequately completed. Today, I was thinking about my work intern, Madi. She's interned with the Mozambique Initiative for a year and a half--but when we took on the kids--she offered to babysit (and we took her up on it!) as much as we needed. With my colleague coming in just about 2 weeks---she's cleared her schedule to ensure she is able to staff his visit throughout Missouri. Madi graduates next weekend from Mizzou and will be starting a job at a local church soon. Instead of taking time off to enjoy the time off before her "real" job starts--she'll be working a ton and driving probably 1,500+ miles across Missouri in 8-ish days. She's doing this so that I can focus on the kids and the transition. I'm grateful for her and so many others who I will highlight--and those who even don't get named. We couldn't do this without all of our friends and family. A takeaway about fostering that I would share today is not being too hard on yourself. This is probably a tip for any parent---but it's easy to do. It's probably considered a cliche in parenting, but it is worth repeating. Do your best. Love the kids in your house. Spend quality time with them. Don't be too hard on yourself when you get worn down. Until next time, thank you for reading. Craig
1 Comment
I want to start by saying how humbled I am at the response from friends and family. Thank you for joining me in this journey.
On Monday, I introduced our journey--ending just after we received the children (who I'm calling Ezekiel (5-years old) and Ashley (4-months old at the time). Now, to bring you up to speed on how we got to today. I want to take you to our first 72-hours--which has defined our last year. Then, I'll breeze through the rest of the year. I'm a person of faith and in full disclosure, I'm in the process to become ordained as a deacon within the United Methodist Church. The kids joined our home on a Wednesday evening. When children are placed in care, there is a FST (Family Support Team) meeting within 72 (business) hours. This meeting was planned for the next Monday morning. It was the first time we were to meet Ezekiel and Ashley's parents. Can you imagine what it would feel like to meet a child's parents for the first time when they were placed into foster care (into your home) about 3 days before? I felt a sense of anxiousness combined with wanting to assure them of who I was and that as each hour passed with the kids, I fell more in love with them. On Sunday (the day before our FST meeting, 3 days after having them in my home, our friend, Karen (who I mentioned yesterday) called. She informed me that she knew I was to guest preach at St. Luke UMC the next Sunday--and that she preached that day. On that day, the congregation prayed over parents who just had their children taken into foster care and the ages matched. Should I preach that next week? Should I disclose this to the case manager? Is this God giving an opportunity to lower walls between us and their parents? After discussing the situation with a superior in my office, we decided on that day that it would be best if I did not preach--not knowing what the situation would be. At the FST, I was given the opportunity to introduce myself and I used the knowledge that I hoped would help with the tension: that I work for the United Methodist Church--and they had been attending a United Methodist Church. When I described this, and that Brittney was an Occupational Therapist---I felt some tension lift. I felt as if God was saying to the children's parents: It's going to be okay, Ezekiel and Ashley are in my hinds. What I am now learning is that God was also saying the same thing to me: Craig--trust me and the kid's parents. I have Ezekiel and Ashley in my hands. The response from their parents (who I will call Jackie and Grant) was positive enough that the first visit away from Children's Division took place that next Sunday---at their church---while I preached. We've felt God's presence in this journey that day. To be honest, our first month with the kids is almost completely out of my memory. I remember the challenges of enrolling them into the best daycare for our lives, introducing them to our friends and family. Boundaries were learned by everyone. Both Ezekiel and Ashley enjoy the rigidness routine that we created. After having the kids for about a month, I had a work conference and we took them and stayed in a hotel together. I smile and laugh at the thought of what we did: tried to create the same bedtime routine. We read to Ezekiel, told him goodnight in his bed, walked the two feet to our bed and crawled into it--fully clothed--hoping he wouldn't catch on. Ten minutes later, we got up and he was asleep! We had no hiccups until late June---when Ezekiel disclosed some disturbing accusations. I still hold the guilt that I was on a 17-hour flight returning home from Mozambique when he disclosed the accusations to his counselor and then again to a deputy sheriff at my house. How did I feel? Helpless. Angry. Flustered. The dad-instinct of wanting to protect my child kicked in high-gear. I wanted to protect my little man who I had grown to love from experiencing something like that ever again. After investigating and a forensic interview, the accusations were not corroborated but the speed of the case slowed for the next several months. From say September 2017 - December 2017, things remained pretty consistent. School, parental visits, counseling, physical therapy for Ashley. From December 2017 - March 2018, visits began increasing in length, and the case progressed. Brittney and I observed visible changes in parenting behavior and lifestyle changes in Jackie and Grant---for the positive. Beginning in March 2018, we knew that the case was progressing and we would likely get to the scenario we are in today--weekend overnight visits have begun, the children see their parents 6 out of 7 days--and our evening/weekend time with the kids is shrinking fast. We will likely transition the kids home near or at the end of our school year, which is now less than 30 days away from happening. One of the questions I get asked the most right now is: do Ezekiel and Ashley know they are going back home in the next month? The answer is tricky--a solid, "Maybe." We have not told or talked to him about the reunification. Even just two weekends ago, we were asked: are you my parents? Jackie and Grant are creating a visual book (age appropriate) for Ezekiel to explain what is going to happen. This will be presented and read to Ezekiel during family therapy and was either done yesterday or will be done next week (is my understanding). The follow-up question is often: Will you see them when they are transitioned? This is really up to us and Jackie and Grant. From our perspective, we would love to still see the kids---and I hope this reality is realized, at least for a while. In a nutshell, that's been the last year and where we are at. From here on out, I think I will organize the blog in a specific way to help me organize my thoughts but also to ensure I cover the topics I need to cover: 1) Share a story that I will never forget about from the children 2) Share any update in the case or change in the kids' behavior 3) Perform a check-in with my emotional health 4) Highlight someone in our lives who has been a support for the kids. Foster parents cannot "go-it-alone" -- and we are grateful for the countless people who have walked alongside us during this journey. 5) Share a lesson or "takeaway" that I have learned while fostering these children. Until next time. Thank you for reading. Craig In this blog, I hope to chronicle the journey of reunifying our two foster children, who have been in our home for nearly a year (11+ months). It is our anticipation that within the next 30 days, my life will change a lot: Saturday-night overnights will become Friday-Saturday overnights, Kindergarten will end, the kids will move, and silence will fill our house once again.
I invite you to join me as I hope to write at least every other day. I hope to share the emotion that I feel, experience with me the joy they have brought to our home, celebrate their transition home, and grieve with me in the loss. First, I need to set the stage. I will change the name of the children and parents of our foster children in order to protect their identities. As I've explored blogs, readings, and asked foster parent friends, I've learned of a few things: 1) there is no easy answer in dealing with the loss I'm about ready to have 2) give myself time to grieve 3) there's not many resources or stories that document the reunification process from a male perspective So---thank you for joining me on this journey. I'm going to begin by describing our early foster parent journey that led us to these children. The months of April and May for the last decade bring back so many memories, and are significant months. From college graduations to the conclusion of legislative sessions. Big? Yes. But little did I know about what these months would mean to me in future years. This time of the year in 2014, my wife, Brittney, and I completed our STARS training with Boone County Children's division to become foster parents. Before even completing the training, we had a 'kinship' placement of 3 children (twins who were two years old, and their 4-year old brother). Talk about being thrown into the fire. From borrowing a van to leaning on our community of friends, we quickly learned the ropes of fostering---by experiential learning. We quickly learned the importance of flexibility and uncertainty. After being told to take care of the children for a minimum of a year, the children were moved to be with siblings within three weeks of moving into our home. After that transition, Brittney and I weren't scared---we kept the children alive, and our hearts grew in ways we didn't know it could. We began to get calls for children, we took a few children on emergency care/one-night commitments. We did respite-care for other foster families and ended up having one of those respite teenagers (16-year old, I'll call Adam) move back in with us for 11 months. (August 2015-July 2016). This 11-month stay was challenging and full of ups, downs, and changes: I changed careers. My wife became pregnant. Then, at 12-weeks, suffered a miscarriage. A week after the miscarriage, I had a work trip to Mozambique. Our church-plant closed just before we took Adam into our home (3 months prior) and we were looking for a new church family. On top of all of that--learning how to be a 'parent' when there is only 11-years between you and your child. After Adam transitioned from our home, we took some time to refocus and on self-care. We began receiving calls from Children's Division again in January of 2017. I have shared and heeded a dear friend's advice: it's okay to say "no" ten or twenty times. There's a need, and it's most important to get the right fit for our home. We said "no" a lot. More than I would care to admit. We didn't feel like it was the right fit---and we were probably scared to say "yes" after all we had been through in the previous 9-months. On May 10, 2017, at about 1:30PM, I received a call. I remember where I was and what I was doing--just like it was yesterday. I was sitting at our breakfast nook, working on my seminary homework. The Children's Division worker described their latest need: a baby who was 5-months old and her brother who was 4 or 5. They just came into care and they needed a place to stay---that night. Holy smokes. 5-month old baby--and you give me 3 1/2 hour notice? I called my wife, gave her the details, and assured her that Children's Division said they could bring a pack-and-play for the baby to sleep in. Then, about 3 1/2 hours after that call, the journey---in which we are winding down---began. At almost 5PM on the dot, a handsome 4-year-old boy (who I'll call Ezekiel), and his sister, (who I'll call Ashley), came into our home. Ezekiel celebrated his 5th birthday the day before coming into foster care. Ashley turned 4-months on our first full-day with her. If you don't know anything about the foster care system, I'll let you in on a little hint: the information you get about children who just have come into care is very limited. Information about allergies, sleeping habits, expectations, behaviors, favorite foods, favorite interests----are very limited. Basically, as a foster parent, you are going into parenting almost completely blind. I don't think there's anything like it in the world. The unknowns can and will drive you crazy. How long will they be with me? What happened to put them in this situation? If it doesn't work out with their parents, could I adopt--or would family come out of the woods to take them? What if they punch holes in my walls? We were anxious, nervous, excited, thrilled, and had thought through nearly all of the "what-if" scenarios. When you say "yes" to taking any foster child, you don't know the answer to any of these questions. I know it drives my family bonkers, but the reality of any child in foster care being in a foster home is always fluid--and that's really hard for anyone outside of fostering to fully understand. Most importantly and timely--we had to address the purely logistical questions: setting up daycare, (hello---Brittney and I both work full-time!) summer school program enrollment, helping the kids feel comfortable, trying to create a bond with Ezekiel, trying to create a routine for the baby--among major changes and trauma that they've experienced. On top of that, we begin learning together with the kids' caseworker, Jessica, who was new with Children's Division when the kids were taken into care---and actually, these kids were her first case that she would be working on from beginning to end. Jessica, along with us, were literally drinking from the fire hose during the first three weeks of Ezekiel and Ashley being in our household. The whirlwind slowed down a bit after the first few weeks, and Ezekiel and Ashley began integrating into our lives. We began integrating into theirs. Visits began taking place--and we worked to bring down (as much as possible) the walls between Ezekiel and Ashley's parents and us. In the next blog, I'll bring you up to speed on the children's situation from June 2017 and hopefully get to where we are today. From there, I hope to explore my feelings, share stories, and learn together -- as this journey of reunification process begins. Thank you for reading. |
AuthorHallsville resident. Foster Parent. School board member. Politico. Jesus Follower. Cardinals Fan #MizzouMade Archives
February 2019
Categories |