Some days (like Tuesday), there isn't a whole lot to report. Other days, like today, there are a ton. Bear with me. First, it was one year ago today when I got a call from Children's Division about the kids. As I think back to that first night....the nerves I had....and it makes me smile. Time does fly. And it's winding down quickly. Anyway....
First, it was fun to see and celebrate Ezekiel's birthday through his eyes. Like so many children, they look forward and dream about their birthdays--when they grow bigger and become more independent. It's adorable and can even get annoying at times: "I"m 5 and a half" -- on repeat. :) It was a good day, I brought Ezekiel's class cupcakes and juice boxes. We celebrated in the morning with chocolate muffins for breakfast (which he instructed that I save the last one for Mrs. P--and bring it with the cupcakes). When the kids were dropped off at our home, we had them take baths and got ready for bed. I'll let Brittney's words to Holly (Little Indians Preschool owner) describe what happened: "After bath we told Ezekiel we’d read him 1 book. Ezekiel started looking frantically around his room for “my special book”. It took us a minute until he looked in my eyes desperately and said, “my special book”. I realized he meant your book (the Shutterfly-type book Holly made for his time with them at Little Indians Preschool) and grabbed it from kitchen where it’s been since he brought it home. He desperately wanted to relive the memory on each page. I could not hold in the tears. He had the biggest smile on his face looking through the book with us. Until he got to the picture of you at the end and his face turned serious. He recited your number out loud. Then he prayed and did his normal PJ Masks thing and then started listing Little Indian friends and then said “thank you for Holly. Amen” He then proceeded to go take a poop. Thank God for some comic relief. He insisted Craig and I wait so we could pray too. After we prayed he asked to keep special book with him and was flipping pages when we shut his door. He didn’t even get up for hugs or his whole nighttime routine that he’s done EVERY night because he was so engrossed in the memories." Needless to say, we were both heartbroken and so happy at the same time. We were happy for the memories he was reliving and would clearly miss. We were (are) sad that he's having to process these emotions at such a young age. We cried last night for the pain and conflict in his heart right now. That was Wednesday. Now, fast forward to today. Thursday. It was exploration day at school and he was thrilled. On the way to the visit with his parents, he cried over me not having any gum in my car--so the emotions (and being tired/exhausted) took over. He recovered pretty quickly, though. Tonight, after bath, we read him one book (we take away books after multiple warnings....when he....dilly dallies....). He was tuckered out--didn't even express disappointment in losing two of the books. What book did he want? He wanted the Blue's Clue's Birthday Book---as I've mentioned before---one of the first books we read with him because of the timing of his birthday and his love of Blue's Clues. Ezekiel prayed and instead of saying that he doesn't like Blue's Clues, he said (in his prayer) that he was thankful for Blues Clues and PJ Masks. After praying he gave us a monologue about how he likes both Blues Clues and PJ Masks again. Brittney reinforced that it's okay to like both of them. Here's the insight Brittney had behind the 6-year old mind: He came to us liking Blue's Clues but outgrowing it quickly (we believe) because of the negative memories associated with his parents and Blue's Clues. It was their thing that he began (on his own) saying he didn't like it anymore, once he trusted us and was processing what was happening a year ago when and why he came to our house. After a few months, PJ Masks became his favorite and Brittney and I were Catboy and Geko--heroes along with Owlette (Ezekiel). When his parents would ask what characters they were (way back when he got into the PJ Masks), Ezekiel would tell them which character they were--and let's just say that they weren't the heroes. Even his baby sister (Ashley), wasn't a hero character. Only Ezekiel, Brittney and myself. The association that Brittney made tonight is: By Ezekiel saying he likes Blues Clues again verbally---could (is?) his way of saying: I like and am ready to go back with my mom and dad again. Blues Clues was their thing (of the past)--and he likes 'their thing' again. He also said that he likes the PJ Masks--our thing. By Ezekiel saying that he likes both Blues Clues and PJ Masks again, he is telling us that he's conflicted. He wants to go home. He wants to stay here. He likes both of us. Our thing. Their thing. Friends--this is how a 6-year old processes these hard topics. It's amazing to watch. The other thing I will make note of is that Ezekiel has been asking a lot of questions lately around timing of things: when we are picking him up again, where we are picking him up, who he is seeing, and those sorts of things. Brittney and I think he's preparing for the day we say goodbye and asking so he knows as much of what's going on as possible. This is heartbreaking and as the "goodbye" day comes, I'll be seeking advice of how to do this. At the risk of making this post too long---I want to conclude with one more observation. Brittney called out something today that I've alluded to before, but didn't name. She called out that our decision of opening our home influences and impacts those around us. The tears we cry join the tears of Holly and our Little Indians friends, Mrs. P and Primary School teachers, and so many other friends and family members. We recognize that by opening our home to these children that it really is much bigger. In the processing that I'm doing, it's important to know that so many others including our own extended families who have poured into Ashley and Ezekiel will be experiencing a loss too. We recognize this and are grateful for our friends and family who have not guarded their hearts, but unconditionally loved on the kids as willingly as we do. Whew. Lots to process from the past few days. Tomorrow, we say goodbye to the kiddos until Sunday around lunch time again. It won't be easy, but we have a busy weekend in store ourselves. Until next time, thank you for reading.
2 Comments
Pam Roberts
5/10/2018 08:48:33 pm
I so, so love reading about not only you and Brittney, but how so much love has been poured into these precious children. God bless you and thank you for your open hearts and your willingness to be His hands and feet.
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Kelly
5/11/2018 07:50:19 am
This blog is so eye opening & wonderful ..it’s a great way for YOU to try & process everything that is going on..thank you for allowing all of us to also see what’s in your hearts....minds..even a partial look.. thank you cousin
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AuthorHallsville resident. Foster Parent. School board member. Politico. Jesus Follower. Cardinals Fan #MizzouMade Archives
February 2019
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