Brittney and I have been "empty-nesters" for five nights now. The first few days, we kept very busy in an effort to not dwell too much on the the transition but to be present with those who are close to us. While we've kept busy, we are beginning to slow down a bit and begin the final processing from an emotional perspective.
What does it feel like? Probably the comparison that is most fitting is that of an "empty nester." It's this combination of wanting to give space, wanting to know how it's going, but also wanting to physically see and be with the loved one who has left your home. Similar to being an empty-nester, Brittney and I have had to, in some ways, find purpose again. What did we do before Ezekiel and Ashley were in our lives? What do we do now that we are home alone in the evenings? What habits do we get back in to? Brittney found herself, for example, completely ready for work on Thursday morning about 30 minutes faster than she needed to be. As an adult, the pace of our getting ready in the mornings can slow back down--it's an adjustment. ha! I must admit for me...who likes to be busy and not be "introspective" or to actually deal with the emotions that I'm feeling....the quietness is a bit eerie. I've done some of the things I had put on hold: organizing some baseball cards in my online database, cleaned the inside of my car, and have caught up on all of the television I have recorded. Now, to figure out what to do next. One of the things I will do/take up at least during my workouts will be to watch The West Wing--a show that I never got in to but have been told I would enjoy. More introspectiveness in a minute. We heard from Jackie on Friday that things were going well (so good to hear!) and then we got a text on Saturday (yesterday) that said Ezekiel was missing us and would love to video chat. We've of course been on the sending-end of these---but never on the receiving end. Ezekiel asked to see us, Sheldon (our cat), his room, his toy box, and things like that. It's hard to keep a 6-year old's attention on video chat. It was so good to see Ezekiel and Ashley (who was trying to climb up next to him) face to face. It definitely makes our hearts warm to know he was thinking about us still--and that we were given the opportunity to see and talk to him. As I think about the last year from an introspective and emotional perspective--I focus on the experiences, where God is in it all, and how the kids and their parents impacted my life. First: the experiences. I'll never forget how nervous/scared I was to have a baby in our home. Remember, we learned on the fly--we had never had a baby in our house before. Thinking about how clueless/inept both Brittney and I were....makes me smile. Like any new parent, you just learn from what works and what doesn't in getting a baby to stop crying, eat, and sleep as needed. From Ezekiel's perspective--I wondered this: what can I do to connect or relate to him? Once we found the things he liked, I could connect much easier: Paw Patrol, Blue's Clues, baseball, frisbee, basketball, running, and being his outgoing self (like me). That's how you bond--finding and enjoying each other's interests. Second, where is God in it all? I've talked at length about this in various ways but there's always more. For example: About 6-months before Ezekiel and Ashley came into our lives, we had to put down our family cat who was a stray that had been in our lives since our first year of marriage. The cat's name was Reeses. After we put her down due to cancer, one of our close friends, Phil and Vesta, gave us a stuffed animal cat that looked like Reeses. At the time, we laughed, smiled, and had no idea what we were going to do with this stuffed animal other than that she would remind us of how she was the best cat ever. Then Ezekiel came into our lives. The stuffed cat Reeses was taken to school no less than 4 times (probably more!) on show-and-tell or bring-a-toy-to-school day and often self-described as Ezekiel's favorite stuffed animal--Reeses. Reeses was the cause of conversation about heaven, death of animals, and friends with Ezekiel. When we transitioned the kids home, it was only right that Reeses go with his new owner: Ezekiel. Our God is an awesome God and I fully believe that He was behind Phil and Vesta's purchase and gift to us. Neither they or us knew the significance behind the Reeses stuffed animal until Ezekiel entered our lives. How did the kids and their parents impact our lives? There isn't enough ink or time to note everything. Kids by themselves are one of the best ways to keep you (as a human) humble and to keep your pride from taking over. Things that come to mind about the kids impacting me are examples like when our days began getting more limited--Ezekiel would have rather spent quality time with us than play on the iPad (his favorite other activity!). What did we learn from Ashley? Babies teach us about dependence on others but once independence is discovered---you can't take that back! Babies teach us about the importance of food, love, trust in life. As I've visited with friends and family about our experience, I'm constantly asked about Jackie and Grant's progress, changes, and life. So many foster experiences aren't like ours. I would also submit that many are. What have Brittney and I learned from them? We've learned and been taught so much about grace, forgiveness, trust, resisting judgement of one another (as humans in general), working together for parental advice for the kids, and the importance of support around us as individuals. This journey has been an unforgettable one. The chapter with the kids being a part of our daily lives has closed but our journey as part of the community surrounding Jackie/Grant and the kids is just beginning. Will I miss the days and even get emotional about the transition of the kids from our household at times? Absolutely. That said, will I be joyful everyday that the kiddos are with their family again? Absolutely. Brittney and I have been so grateful for those who have followed, supported, and been a part of this journey. I hope the stories, lessons, anecdotes, and emotions that we have felt have connected in some way with each of you. Thank you for reading, the comments, thoughts, and prayers for each of us involved in this transition. While I didn't and can't reply to all of them--they didn't go unnoticed or unread. This chapter closes. I anxiously await God's next chapter in Ezekiel, Ashley, Jackie, and Grant's lives and in Brittney and my lives. Until next time, Thank you for reading.
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Brittney and I slept well last night and were ready for today. This morning was pretty normal and we took some pictures for it being the last day of Kindergarten. Brittney said her goodbyes this morning before I took them to Little Indians.
I did a good, long workout this morning to burn off the anxiousness before school ending at 12:30PM. We transitioned the kids this afternoon. Brittney and I have been overwhelmed by the number of friends and family who have reached out offering positive thoughts and supporting us. I don't want to focus on it just being the day that Trial Home Placement begins but that it's a day of transitions all of the way around. Ezekiel is no longer a kindergartner--but a first grader. It was his last day at Little Indians, and a transition day for the summer to begin. The details of the transition itself aren't super exciting or noteworthy. His friends at Little Indians gave him a huge group-hug, which is Ezekiel's "love language" and is something he will never forget. He loved being taken to school in a special way with his friend Chase and his mom, too. On our way out of school, Ezekiel was his boisterous self who was yelling "bye ______" (fill in the name of his friends. Our little connector friend would only end his time at Hallsville Primary School with no other way--than making sure he didn't forget to say "bye" by name to everyone he could. When I picked up Ashley from Little Indians, Ezekiel convinced me to let him come inside to have one last hug from Holly. It was bittersweet to pick her up and make sure Ezekiel had one last chance to say goodbye to Holly and his friends there one last time. One the way to the kids' house, Ezekiel asked when I was coming to pick him up, and I told him that we would see him soon but he was staying with his mom and dad. We played "We All Bleed the Same" and "I Have This Hope" the ride there--where Ezekiel said that "I Have This Hope" was his second favorite song after "Bleed the Same." We had other conversations on the way there about what he ate for lunch and did on the last day of school. Drop off was fairly uneventful in the actions itself because I do not believe it's goodbye forever. When I stepped foot in the door, though, I put down the last few backpacks and box and paused for a second and smiled when I heard "We All Bleed The Same" playing in their house, probably from KLove or something. Talk about God saying: I've got this. You may not believe that this actually happened....but I swear it did. I wish, now, I would have spoken up to Ezekiel and had him take note of it---to have Jackie and Grant be witnesses for it happening. The personalized "gift" that we did for Jackie and Grant was to put together a good-sized photo album with photos from the past year. I also wrote them a personal note in a card and gave that to them and made sure to make note of it separately of the rest of the stuff we dropped off. When I left, I gave Ezekiel a hug, "tossed" him in the air and caught him one last time. Jackie said at one point when Ashley got a little fussy and was reaching for me: I think even she understands what's happening. I think so too. :) Afterwards, I needed to run by the school for a school board errand, but I've talked in this post and others about music and how it impacts me. "Man In The Mirror" was my theme song for many years and still is in many ways. As I got in my car from the school, headed home, it came on the satillite radio. I take that as a sign of being told by God that changing lives doesn't start with anyone....but ourselves as individuals as the person in the mirror. It is a powerful message that was...again....timely ***sarcastic eye roll*** :) We've already continued to find stuff that we need to get to Jackie and Grant --- that we forgot to pack. When someone lives with you for a year.....it's bound to happen I guess. Brittney and I are holding up okay today. I have told friends this but I do believe that God is in control of this and that we will get to follow their journey of growing up to some degree or another. Now, it's time for us to switch our gears/mindsets. We don't really remember what life was like for us before kids. Relearning and re-acclimating to essentially the same thing as an "empty-nester" is what's next for us. Today, I'm thankful all of the encouragement we've received today. I didn't expect it and am speechless from it. Thank you. I'll probably follow-up with one most post later in the weekend with how we are feel and conclude this journey unless I have some periodic updates. I will leave you with some photos that are some of my favorite from the past year with the kiddos. Photos below include photos from the day they entered our home to today as their last day in our home. Until next time, Thank you for reading. Craig I'm so blessed. My day was filled with friends from work and church checking on me--empathizing the kids moving back home tomorrow.
I'm also not sure what I'm supposed to feel as we put the kids to bed tonight. I described it to friends today as trying to not set myself up for any false feelings. I'm just trying to live it. Enjoy it. Tear up when needed and moved. Being strong when otherwise not. I don't know any other way. The morning was the epitome of a normal morning routine for us. Ashley was a cheese-ball. Ezekiel was super sleepy and slow to get moving. Afternoon pickup from Little Indians wasn't super eventful other either, Ezekiel was playing on Holly's phone---she was clearly enjoying some of her last time with him, too. Ashley had a doctors appointment and was picked up earlier in the day. We met the kids' parents at the Primary School Celebration and completed the entire game card! Ezekiel was pumped to get popcorn (one of his favorite snacks!) and his prize bag. Of course, we got home about 30 minutes after both kids are normally in bed---but we weren't going to rush the bedtime routine. It was fun and good seeing his teachers and the staff one last time. I'm grateful for what they've poured into his life. We soaked in giving Ashley her last bath with us, making her laugh, splash, and she was gnawing on her toothbrush--clearly a sign of her teeth still bothering her. That brought memories back of her first teeth coming in for me. Ezekiel's bathtime was hurried by just showering and not taking a bath but he didn't fight it. We read books. He insisted the first book be going through the memory book that Holly gave him. It has truly become our tradition of the last few weeks when we read books. He then picked a Paw Patrol book (one of the first books we got him from the Scholastic book order form) from the beginning of the school year. Talk about being and making me feel nostalgic, kid. Then, I picked the last book--a Mercer Mayer book. We prayed, hugged, and did the rest of the normal routine. I felt sad, but he was tired so it helped hurry things along. We fed Ashley some milk from her sippy cup and just watched her. The hardest point of the night came as she finished her sippy cup. She gets really giddy and happy, but she stopped and made eye contact with me for probably 5 seconds. Dagger through the heart. I felt it was her saying: I love you, but it's going to be okay. That's what I'm going to tell myself at least. The connection and vibe was real, though. We put her down and kind of.....well...don't know how to feel. It will be a weird day tomorrow. Today, in some ways, was strange. A feeling of sadness for my loss, excitement for their family, proud of the kids and their parents, the uncertainty of not knowing or having something that will fill my time beginning tomorrow night, and feelings of thankfulness just for them to be in our lives. That brings me to who I want to thank. It may sound corny and goofy--but I want to be thankful today for the kids themselves--Ezekiel and Ashley. They have changed us and those around us for the better. While this journey isn't easy, predictable, or smooth---it changes lives. Ours. Theirs. Their parents. Our friends. Our families. Created new friendships. I was in a conversation recently and we were talking about the future. I had asked the person where they saw themselves in five years. They answered and turned the question back on me. What these kids have taught me is that predicting five years from now is a fun exercise but also somewhat useless. The answer to his question back to me was really this: I never would have thought or predicted 5 years ago that I would have answered a call to ministry as a vocation or open my home to foster children. Life is about the lessons we learn, the people we impact, the love we are able to share, and in my faith tradition to grow in closeness to God. Thanks to Ezekiel and Ashley, I have grown and done things I never would have imagined just 54 weeks ago. Thanks, kiddos--you have forever changed Brittney and I's lives. Until tomorrow, thank you for reading. Craig PS--I may or may not get a blog up tomorrow---transition day---. It may be Thursday before I get it up. We are going to stay busy tomorrow afternoon/evening. After another weekend hiatus, I wanted to get a blog out. There's been lots of things going on.
First, we had another weekend kids-free. These are odd. It's quiet but we know they are coming back in a day or two---so their rooms are still their stuff. In preparation for the Sunday and transition week, after brief cleaning and preparations for the party on Sunday (yesterday), Brittney and I just....vegged out. We watched movies, relaxed, and I fully admit it was probably to make myself feel numb to save mental and emotional energy. Sunday was a marathon of a day. I preached in Chesterfield and participated in graduation in Hallsville. Then, I came home and helped finish getting ready for the party. On Sunday evening, we had a celebration/send-off/birthday for Ezekiel and Ashley. One emotional part was the excitement on Ashley's face as she saw me for the first time in two days---and the sadness that she expressed by crying when I handed her off to my mom to even just go change clothes. Of course, she gets over it pretty quickly---but it shows our bond and that she cares about me. I love that little girl more than she ever will understand. I've said it before and I'll say it again--she's my buddy and always will be. The party was our way to invite friends and family who have walked alongside us for one last party. We couldn't do this without our support system and it was an awesome evening. We had family, school friends, preschool friends, and church friends all come and celebrate the kids with us. We also invited and had Jackie and Grant (the kids' parents) attend. It was a great time. I won't bore you with specifics of what happened, but I will share the debriefing comments that Brittney and I had to teach other. That's probably more insightful than anything. We discussed that having the celebration is something that Ezekiel will never forget--he spent every minute of his 2+ hour celebration on a big inflatable blowup that we set up. He was so happy to have his friends, the inflatable, and a hot dog party all at the same time. For no other reason, in a bit of a selfish act---we needed the party for us. We needed to see Ezekiel and Ashley one more time with the people who have supported and walked alongside us. The most emotional part of the evening was when one of his friends was asking me if I was Ezekiel's parents and if he was staying with me forever. I basically explained that I was his "foster" parent and that meant that Ezekiel was able to live with me and I was filling in for his dad while his parents went to school--but that this parents were finished and he would be going back home with them. Then, I would become Ezekiel's "friend" just like he was. Heartbreaking. I felt like I took the innocence and childhood from his friend.....I got "real" with him.....quickly. We weren't super emotional after the party--Brittney and I just wanted to debrief the day and experience. Brittney said it was encouraging to see Jackie and Grant let us parent Ezekiel and Ashley, and Brittney being inside, had the ability to have many more conversations with them than myself, who was posted outside. I was a little emotional on Sunday morning driving to Chesterfield to guest preach. Being alone is probably not a good thing for me in the next several days. Listening to the lyrics to music would often remind me of the kids. The plan for the next few days has been mapped out and Brittney will get to say her "goodbyes" Wednesday morning. I'll drop them off at the preschool before, so Brittney's goodbye isn't as rushed in drop-off at the preschool. I'll pick the kids up and take them to Columbia to their parents' apartment early in the afternoon--where that will be my goodbye. Ezekiel is clearly processing. His prayers have been short and still thanking God for PJ Masks and Blues Clues (read back in previous posts to understand full story). His teacher gave him a gift of PJ Masks stuff made from a cricut (and they look awesome!). Ezekiel has requested to wear the Owlette shirt two-days in a row (2nd day is tomorrow). He instructed Brittney to make sure the other shirts (Catboy and Gekko) make it to his parents so that he doesn't forget to take them there. He knows and is processing the changes. He can't and doesn't verbalize how he's processing.....but he is. Today, I want to "thank" all of Ezekiel's friends that he's made throughout the last year. Ezekiel is our little connector and networker. Ezekiel has rarely met a stranger and never met a stranger who is similar in age-range...he's friends with them all. He shamelessly calls kids the wrong name (but calls them by A name) -- because he wants so desperately to be included and be the includer of a group of kids. Making friends as a child is so much easier than an adult---but the realness and humbleness in my heart is received at each invitation Ezekiel has received: an invitation to spend the night, a birthday invitation, an invite to spend Saturday with his friends and then to reciprocate it. Each invitation and friend has meant so much to him. It's heartbreaking to think about the love from his friends that he's received. To be honest--and not to get too theological with you--I see Christ's love for all of us in the friendship between his friends and Ezekiel. It's incredible, makes me speechless, and brings me to tears in this very moment. Thanks to each of you--Ezekiel's friends. And thank you to each of his friends' parents who have done nothing but encouraged that friendship---knowing that this time would likely come. The lesson that I would share with you today is to take photos as your family unit as often as possible. As we wind down our time with the kids...now in our final few days, we realize that we don't have many photos of us as a family unit (us as foster parents + the kids) together in one single photo. Naturally, we take pictures of our kids or with our spouse/kids but not as a unit unless it's a big occasion. We've had the kids a year and I think we have now 3 total photos with all of us in them--and 2 of them were taken with timers from our iPhones! It may seem silly because kids grow up quickly and are constantly changing. While fostering is different because of the uncertainty virtually at all of the time---all of us can relate to things that can go unexpectedly in families and doing this will help prevent a small regret in the case of those unexpected things. This is one lesson that I hope to take with me into future foster care placements and that I think we can all learn from. How am I holding up? I'm doing okay I guess. I'm admittedly more emotional, need to be around people, less motivated to do the things that I should be doing and trying to focus on me. Basically--all of that to say I admit and confess that I've been and will be selfish for the next several days. Forgive me and give me grace if I am short or don't seem quite like myself. Brittney and I continue to be humbled by your responses, love, comments, remarks that these blogs touch and impact your life. Thank you for living this journey alongside us. Until next time, thank you for reading. Craig We held our last FST meeting on Tuesday (today is Thursday). After receiving updates from the various therapists that the family is receiving, the recommendation was made to begin trial home placement on May 23rd--next Wednesday--after school is released for a half-day. It was a good FST meeting. Looking back, we've had some tense ones that have generally gotten easier and better. This one was almost more of a celebration to where we've gotten in the case. The kids' guardian ad litem was thrilled to see their progress.
After agreeing on the trial home placement, we walked through logistics where Jackie and Grant reiterated again that they would be willing to both let us babysit the children but also have phone calls in the interim period to help Ezekiel with his processing. They offered to read the book that they put together for the kids again (a third time) to help him process. I felt okay coming out of the FST. The team reaffirmed what will happen as trial home placement begins: children's division will stay involved for likely about 2 months to ensure things are going okay, the CPS program that the kids are in due to Ashley being so young will remain in place for another 5-7 months and move into "Phase 2" of the program, Ezekiel will continue to remain in counseling and see his regular counselor, and the family will remain in family counseling for a while. This is good news and shows the supports the family has in place. This doesn't include their safety team and church support. The only real recommendation came from the FST was to have Grant continue to have support and understanding for not playing too rough with Ezekiel--and working on when to begin to stop. Otherwise, all was completely positive and forward thinking. Now that we are a day past the FST meeting, how do I feel? I feel okay about it but recognize that it makes me sad because I do love the kids. I've also been preoccupied with the various things that need to take place in my life: seminary class deadlines and work deadlines. There's definitely no advice or thoughts on how to balance the reunification of foster kids and the rest of life (work, relationships, etc) in foster care training. ha! The lack of training/knowledge of how to balance this is kicking me in the behind right now, too! Brittney's mom got Ezekiel some superhero toys (Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Superman) that he received Tuesday evening. He was excited about it and woke up Wednesday (yesterday) 35 minutes early to make sure he could play with them. After breakfast, he was ready to play with them. Now, I'm usually not home for breakfast time--but Ezekiel is (1) never fast in the mornings and (2) rarely if ever has time to play. It was interesting to me that he not only made sure he hurried to get time to play, but again--he wanted the quality time (me playing as Batman, he has Wonder Woman) together. Since he had extra time, before he played with his superheroes, he hopped in the laundry basket like he did almost a full year ago. Last night, I compared the pictures--one year apart. I didn't know hardly anything about him and wasn't attached to him.....and now....he sat in the basket with the same goofy smile, much more comfortable and happy. He's such a good kid. Ashley has been hilarious at night time. Probably all babies are like this, but she loves seeing herself on video or even getting her picture taken so she can see herself in the camera. She gets so worked up by just sitting on our bed as we make funny faces at her and do "Patty Cake" or anything else. Each day, she looks more like a toddler. In some ways, I feel with Ashley a "double-wammy" type of a punch to the gut with her leaving. We are experiencing the growth of a baby into a toddler on top of the loss we'll experience when they go home. In some ways, it's the same with Ezekiel. When he came into our home, his verbal skills were not great and he was (rightfully so) timid. Now, we've seen him develop into a boy who can read, continues to be more of an extrovert, and loves sharing stories about his day. As I conclude this post, I want to thank and recognize the support we've had from Brittney and my families. Whether our parents, aunts/uncles or cousins, they have fully supported our decision to invest in children and have worked hard to build relationships with the kids. I won't ever forget the warm feeling that it felt early on in the case when the kids were doing phone calls with their parents once or twice per week. Of course, Brittney or I would walk on the phone to our parents at about the same timeframe. Ezekiel would spend more time talking to Brittney's or my parents than his own. Whether that was the novelty (newness) or some other reason, I don't know. What I do know is that it proves that the impact they've had on his life is significant and important. Thank you guys for pouring into the kids in a selfless way. What's next? I have a feeling the next week will go by fast. The countdown of days sleeping in our house is now (counting today) at 4 days. It has been a few days since I've gotten real emotional. There is so much that I will miss--but the lesson that I want to share today is what I will miss about having kids in the home. Kids are a wonderful "check" on you as an adult. Kids keep your habits and thoughts under control. Do you want to watch this TV show in front of a 6-year old? Do you want to listen to that in front of your baby? Should you be eating that snack which will have the 6-year old asking if he can have one? Your language, tone, demeanor, and how you conduct yourself is watched and monitored in a way that is purposeful as children become themselves. My lesson is that while being on your "best behavior" as a parent is difficult, these kids have made me realize and prioritize what's important. I want to be the best example for my children--whether I have them for 1 year, 1 week, or 18+ years. I didn't fully realize the extent that children soak up what they see you--as their parental figure--doing until these kids. Whether being a parent or foster parent, it is truly a humbling experience. Until next time, thank you for reading! The hiatus for the last few days has been because of the weekend -- a common theme I'm finding. Brittney and I kept busy without the kids. Friday we celebrated the college graduation of a friend. Saturday we celebrated Brittney's birthday (a big-one!) and Sunday we picked up the kiddos.
The biggest takeaway over the last few days took place yesterday and even today when we got home. Ezekiel loves the iPad and technology--like any 6-year old. On Sunday, after going out to eat with our pastor and his family with a few leaders at church--we headed home. Ezekiel had been a good listener, ate his food, and so he asked and I let him play on the iPad while his sister fell asleep for her nap. After about 30 minutes, the iPad battery died. He only had about 30 minutes left to play on it anyway, but I told him he could play later. Instead, I got out the old fishing game (battery operated fishery game that you have a fishing pole and try to catch the fish that open and close their mouths). We played for 45 minutes and when Brittney got home, he wanted to play with her, too. It was clear that 'quality time' was preferred to 'iPad time' when Ezekiel said before dinner: I'll play on the iPad tomorrow. He was loving the quality time. I felt as if that was his way of saying: I know time is limited---and I would rather play and create memories with you instead of playing on the iPad. Me too buddy, me too. Ashley was a grump on Sunday but was a peach today. A favorite memory to share that I won't forget about her is her love (like Ezekiel's) of playing 'chase.' Now that she can crawl (she was delayed), she absolutely loves getting a head start of crawling fast---and someone crawling after her quickly and grabbing at her. The. Giggles. Will. Melt. Your. Heart. How am I doing emotionally? I'm doing okay. I don't feel super anxious or stressed today. Ezekiel had a counseling visit today where the counselor brought all of us (his parents, me, and Ezekiel) in together to touch base and see how it was going. Since we haven't had issues---all systems are ahead. His counselor will see him next about a week and a half after moving back in with his parents. She commented how Ezekiel has grown (emotionally) and is obviously much more comfortable now than he was when she began seeing him. I verbalized my biggest concern was the loss and change for our little man. The counselor suggested that perhaps visits or phone calls could be helpful with that. Jackie and Grant (parents) said (which is true) that I have talked to them about us continuing to visit with and see the kids. Jackie told the counselor that with a common thread of United Methodism (church)---it's been good for them to trust and build a relationship with us with that common ground. We will be having a going-away party for the kiddos next weekend and I invited Jackie and Grant to that. They need to see that Ezekiel and Ashley are loved beyond just Brittney and me among our support system. I'm both anxious and excited for this--and hope it's the start of the 'hand-off' and next step in the kids lives with us. My lesson in parenting today to share is around the 'quality time' piece. While it's so much easier at times to rely on technology (and believe me, I am guilty here!) for entertainment. I've learned over the past few days that it's the quality time together that actually matters for kids. The technology, just like for adults, is an escape from reality for our children. The reality is more important for development, memories, and relationships. In this blog post, I would love to thank our caseworker, Jessica. Similar to what I've told many people about a boss: they will make or break your job experience---a caseworker will likely make or break your foster experience. Our kiddos were Jessica's first case that she was able to have from the children coming into care to the conclusion of their case. She's looked out for the kids and us probably more than I even know. She's taken my long-winded venting emails in stride. She's helped with transportation. She's seen the kids progress, grow, and is genuinely interested in helping us with whatever we need. Brittney and I have talked about how at none of the FST (Full Support Team) meetings have we been met with any surprises. Jessica has prepared us well, allowed us ample opportunity for feedback and opinions, and has done an incredible job of guiding the case. Not having any surprises is a big deal to make us feel supported and encouraged. Speaking of FST's -- tomorrow is likely going to be our last FST meeting. I'll probably post something tomorrow or Wednesday about the outcomes. We'll likely get confirmation of what we expect to be. Not counting tonight, the kids probably have 6 nights left in our house. (Wow--that's a bit shocking...to me). Until next time, thank you for reading! Craig Some days (like Tuesday), there isn't a whole lot to report. Other days, like today, there are a ton. Bear with me. First, it was one year ago today when I got a call from Children's Division about the kids. As I think back to that first night....the nerves I had....and it makes me smile. Time does fly. And it's winding down quickly. Anyway....
First, it was fun to see and celebrate Ezekiel's birthday through his eyes. Like so many children, they look forward and dream about their birthdays--when they grow bigger and become more independent. It's adorable and can even get annoying at times: "I"m 5 and a half" -- on repeat. :) It was a good day, I brought Ezekiel's class cupcakes and juice boxes. We celebrated in the morning with chocolate muffins for breakfast (which he instructed that I save the last one for Mrs. P--and bring it with the cupcakes). When the kids were dropped off at our home, we had them take baths and got ready for bed. I'll let Brittney's words to Holly (Little Indians Preschool owner) describe what happened: "After bath we told Ezekiel we’d read him 1 book. Ezekiel started looking frantically around his room for “my special book”. It took us a minute until he looked in my eyes desperately and said, “my special book”. I realized he meant your book (the Shutterfly-type book Holly made for his time with them at Little Indians Preschool) and grabbed it from kitchen where it’s been since he brought it home. He desperately wanted to relive the memory on each page. I could not hold in the tears. He had the biggest smile on his face looking through the book with us. Until he got to the picture of you at the end and his face turned serious. He recited your number out loud. Then he prayed and did his normal PJ Masks thing and then started listing Little Indian friends and then said “thank you for Holly. Amen” He then proceeded to go take a poop. Thank God for some comic relief. He insisted Craig and I wait so we could pray too. After we prayed he asked to keep special book with him and was flipping pages when we shut his door. He didn’t even get up for hugs or his whole nighttime routine that he’s done EVERY night because he was so engrossed in the memories." Needless to say, we were both heartbroken and so happy at the same time. We were happy for the memories he was reliving and would clearly miss. We were (are) sad that he's having to process these emotions at such a young age. We cried last night for the pain and conflict in his heart right now. That was Wednesday. Now, fast forward to today. Thursday. It was exploration day at school and he was thrilled. On the way to the visit with his parents, he cried over me not having any gum in my car--so the emotions (and being tired/exhausted) took over. He recovered pretty quickly, though. Tonight, after bath, we read him one book (we take away books after multiple warnings....when he....dilly dallies....). He was tuckered out--didn't even express disappointment in losing two of the books. What book did he want? He wanted the Blue's Clue's Birthday Book---as I've mentioned before---one of the first books we read with him because of the timing of his birthday and his love of Blue's Clues. Ezekiel prayed and instead of saying that he doesn't like Blue's Clues, he said (in his prayer) that he was thankful for Blues Clues and PJ Masks. After praying he gave us a monologue about how he likes both Blues Clues and PJ Masks again. Brittney reinforced that it's okay to like both of them. Here's the insight Brittney had behind the 6-year old mind: He came to us liking Blue's Clues but outgrowing it quickly (we believe) because of the negative memories associated with his parents and Blue's Clues. It was their thing that he began (on his own) saying he didn't like it anymore, once he trusted us and was processing what was happening a year ago when and why he came to our house. After a few months, PJ Masks became his favorite and Brittney and I were Catboy and Geko--heroes along with Owlette (Ezekiel). When his parents would ask what characters they were (way back when he got into the PJ Masks), Ezekiel would tell them which character they were--and let's just say that they weren't the heroes. Even his baby sister (Ashley), wasn't a hero character. Only Ezekiel, Brittney and myself. The association that Brittney made tonight is: By Ezekiel saying he likes Blues Clues again verbally---could (is?) his way of saying: I like and am ready to go back with my mom and dad again. Blues Clues was their thing (of the past)--and he likes 'their thing' again. He also said that he likes the PJ Masks--our thing. By Ezekiel saying that he likes both Blues Clues and PJ Masks again, he is telling us that he's conflicted. He wants to go home. He wants to stay here. He likes both of us. Our thing. Their thing. Friends--this is how a 6-year old processes these hard topics. It's amazing to watch. The other thing I will make note of is that Ezekiel has been asking a lot of questions lately around timing of things: when we are picking him up again, where we are picking him up, who he is seeing, and those sorts of things. Brittney and I think he's preparing for the day we say goodbye and asking so he knows as much of what's going on as possible. This is heartbreaking and as the "goodbye" day comes, I'll be seeking advice of how to do this. At the risk of making this post too long---I want to conclude with one more observation. Brittney called out something today that I've alluded to before, but didn't name. She called out that our decision of opening our home influences and impacts those around us. The tears we cry join the tears of Holly and our Little Indians friends, Mrs. P and Primary School teachers, and so many other friends and family members. We recognize that by opening our home to these children that it really is much bigger. In the processing that I'm doing, it's important to know that so many others including our own extended families who have poured into Ashley and Ezekiel will be experiencing a loss too. We recognize this and are grateful for our friends and family who have not guarded their hearts, but unconditionally loved on the kids as willingly as we do. Whew. Lots to process from the past few days. Tomorrow, we say goodbye to the kiddos until Sunday around lunch time again. It won't be easy, but we have a busy weekend in store ourselves. Until next time, thank you for reading. Tomorrow is likely going to be the 2-week countdown of the kiddos. Today's blog is shorter, but I wanted to check-in. How am I feeling?
I'm feeling nostalgic and making sure I am truly present as much as possible in the limited time with the kiddos. I feel okay, and know it will only get crazier as May 23rd approaches. I have had tears well-up twice in the last two days. Once was when I was reading a message to Ezekiel from a photo book made by Holly. The other time was this morning when Brittney told me how Ezekiel responded to a question she asked this morning. Our little man is clearly processing. Ezekiel asked Brittney yesterday if he was staying here forever. It was asked in relationship to what he did for his birthday last year. He said that last year at his birthday, he came to live with us. I felt a sense of pause, maybe even a sense of disappointment that he was not going to be at our house this evening when he asked where we were going after school. That doesn't mean Ezekiel doesn't want to go home or doesn't love his parents. He clearly does. He is just conflicted. He loves us and he loves them. It's heartbreaking and so difficult for a nearly 6-year old to process. We have begun packing clothes, toys, and such--taking a load of stuff over to Jackie and Grant's today when we picked them up. The closets will get emptier, and I am bracing for the impact when I open them and they are empty. I know it will be tough. Today, since it's teacher appreciation week, it's only fitting I go here. I want to thank his teacher, Mrs. Pemberton and the paraprofessional--Mrs. Rachelle. Honestly, the entire Hallsville Primary School staff deserve to be thanked. Ezekiel has had some challenging moments for them and I can't thank them enough for the love and attention they've given him. For the year we've had him, the growth and maturity comes as much or more from their influence as opposed to any influence I've had. Thank you for helping and encouraging him even in the challenging moments. The quick story I'll share tonight is one for Ashley. I will never forget the thrill-seeker that she is. From the first months we had her, she loved Ezekiel tickling her rough, trying to scare her, and even being tossed in the air. There was a day--for a long time, when the only time Brittney or I could get her to laugh was to play tickle her roughly or to playfully toss her in the air and let her kick her feet. Whether the snort-laugh or how she giggles when you get on the ground and crawl (chase) after her---these memories will make me smile for the rest of my life. The lesson I would share with you is: how can you encourage yourself or those around you to do as Ashley does, snort-laugh or giggle uncontrollably? Life is too short to not enjoy and create wonderful memories like this with all of those around us. I guess another way of saying this would be: how can you not take life so seriously? Ashley has taught me this....and I admit I don't always practice this lesson....but she reminds me of its importance. Until next time, thank you for reading! Friends. Relaxing. Exhausting. That would describe the weekend in three words. Brittney and I tried to ride the wave of emotions of this being the first two-night (Friday-Sunday) visit.
How did we do without the kids? I think we did okay. We tried to mix the idea of: relax but keep busy type of mentality. We were with friends on Friday evening. Then, we took advantage of the no-kids on on Saturday and relaxed more on Saturday. We RedBox-ed a movie (The Post--great movie!) to watch in the evening after we had a busy day of spring errands and cleaning. It was good, relaxing (yet busy!) and probably a sign of what's to come after the transition. It didn't really hit me how much they mean to me and visa-versa until Sunday morning when we went to pick up Ezekiel for PJ Masks LIVE! in the morning. Even though Ashley was staying with their parents, when we went to pick him up.....she got super smiley/excited and made babbling noises when she saw me. She crawled to me and let me pick her up. It broke my heart when I gave her back to Jackie...that Ashley whined for me...enough to where Jackie laughed and handed her back over to me for another 30 seconds before we left. :) Like I said before, we are buddies. That was the most emotional point for me of the weekend. Ezekiel was his typical chatter-box on the drive to PJ Masks LIVE. We surprised him with going to see some of our close friends, Curt and Kelli--and their two kids. Ezekiel and Julia, one of their daughters--have gotten along so well in the handful of times they've played together. We wanted them to see each other at least one more time. Ezekiel was surprised and happy to see Julia. They made him a birthday cake (remember, we took him to PJ Masks LIVE for his birthday which is this week) and the day started out with a bang. The show itself was okay and as adults, it's easy to take advantage of the full length animated Disney movies that have adult humor or plot lines....because in the PJ Masks...they just aren't there, ha! Ezekiel had a blast. I'm grateful for giving him the opportunity to go. Ezekiel is clearly processing---I could tell all day. From how he was talking so much in the car, to what the plan was after PJ Masks to picking out the same Blues Clues Birthday book we read to him over and over nearly 1 year ago. (Remember, the kid prays: Thank you for Blue's Clues, I don't like Blues Clues anymore, I like the PJ Masks" during his prayer.) The way he hugged Brittney today after saying our prayers felt different--it was a bigger hug. Our little man has a lot going on in his little brain. Today, I'm thankful for Julia---who gave Ezekiel some of the best memories he will likely have with us. From playing countless minutes (hours?) of tag together at our house, their house, swimming in the community pool of Julia's, to playing basketball today with them---he will have good memories with her. Seeing Julia upset at when we had to go--and not Ezekiel--showed so much maturity in him. I'm sure part of it was also that he was headed to another cool thing (PJ Masks!) and she wasn't. However, her being sad tells me how much she (Julia) values him as a friend. It's also a good and difficult lesson of what having foster kids can do to your friends' children. That's my foster parent lesson for today: a foster kiddo who transitions away does impact your (and the child's) friends in ways that you cannot forget or downplay. It's a loss for them, too. It will be a loss for Julia--in her own way. It also puts Curt and Kelli in a potential awkward situation. We've created a friendship between Julia and Ezekiel---a friendship that Julia will ask about---and one that isn't super easy to answer for her. While we will continue and remain in Julia (and our other friends' children's lives)---our kiddos won't. That's complicated, unconventional, and different for children and it's important to realize. That said, fellow foster parents, my message is clear: do not shy away from creating play dates with your personal (college) friends kids and your foster children. I think our friends would agree with this advice, too. Some of my favorite memories of Ashley and Ezekiel are with our college friends' children. I sign off tonight exhausted after a busy day to/from St. Louis. I also sign-off proud of Ezekiel and how he's matured since joining our home a year ago. Until next time, thank you for reading! Craig Can you believe it's May 4th? I can't. We're at approximately 19 days until Trial Home Placement. Lots of emotions. First, two short stories about the kids.
The bedtime routine for our kids has remained almost completely consistent from the first day we welcomed them into our home. Ezekiel, ever since probably July 2017 gets a bath at 6:30 (Six-Three-Oh-Oh as he said for a long time). After a bath, we read books, brush teeth, pray, and go to bed. Today, I want to talk about the "go to bed" events. It's the same everyday. We tell him goodnight, leave and shut his door. We wait outside the door and he gives one last hug. Since July 2017, I've picked him up and carried him up high---placing him in bed. When he's in the air--like clockwork--every time--he says, "I'm Flying!" (Adorable!) I tell him goodnight, give him a hug, and giggle at his comment, having no idea where it comes from. Then, my heart breaks. During the hug, Ezekiel wraps his arms around my neck and squeezes as hard as he can and says under his breath: "You're Staying Here Forever." Brittney has heard this, and he's said it nearly every single day. Last night, he said it twice as he hugged me. What I found out after he was in bed was that our little man is clearly processing. He asked Brittney on the way home from their visit if he would be going to his new school (for first grade) with us next year. Brittney said that she thought his mom and dad would be taking him. He then proceeded to say: "Will I stay with my mom and dad forever? Brittney responded by saying: "I think so." She said he was quiet. Brittney asked him if he was okay with that and he said: "I think so." I've viewed the "You're Staying Here Forever" comment as a euphemism for: thank you for helping me, making me happy, and making me safe in this time of uncertainty. He's five (6 next week). He can't verbalize or comprehend what he is really meaning with all of the complex emotions involved. I've mentioned before that I've felt God's presence in their case---and this is another example. While these words are Ezekiel's, I've wondered if they are God's words to mean something deeper. I've come to believe those words to mean the impact I've had on him will be staying with him, forever. Ezekiel: That's my prayer for you--I pray I stay in your heart forever. I haven't shared much about Ashley. Largely because she's almost 16-months old, is babbling but not talking and such. A memory I'll never forget about her is her love of eggs. It's goofy because Ezekiel is allergic to them. When we made the transition near the 1-year mark for Ashley to go from bottle/baby food to real food--Brittney decided to try scrambled eggs. It's adorable to watch her eat them because it is the first thing that goes into her mouth and I swear that she just swallows them whole. More memories with Ashley in future posts. Today's a tough day. When I told Ezekiel goodnight last night, I told him that I won't see him until Sunday morning. Brutal. It's our first 2-day weekend without having the kids. 48-hours+. I've done this before when I've been gone to Mozambique or when we were on our cruise last year. Of course, that was different. I decided yesterday that I will likely alter my work schedule a bit in order to be home in the mornings with the kids. Time is ticking, and I'm quickly learning that the 20-30 minutes (if that) I get with them before bed just isn't enough for my soul. I don't want any regrets about missing these last opportunities. Today, I'm thankful for Ezekiel and Ashley's therapists. From Ezekiel's counselor to his former speech therapists--I am so proud of the progress he has made. As I reflect back on the last year, Ezekiel has come so far. From no longer qualifying for an IEP to being able to verbalize his feelings in healthy ways---he has come so far. Since he's always been an extrovert, he was able to build rapport, trust, and learn from his new adult friends who have helped develop his language, emotion, and processing. For Ashley, we've seen her physical therapist be almost as in love with her as we are--celebrating each physical therapy success alongside us. The foster parenting lesson I would share is to live a parenting life of no regrets. As I learn and try to act on what that means in my life--I encourage you to do the same. If your gut says to do something that will grow the relationship of your child or someone close to you--do it! Until next time, thank you for reading. Craig |
AuthorHallsville resident. Foster Parent. School board member. Politico. Jesus Follower. Cardinals Fan #MizzouMade Archives
February 2019
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